Today was a great day in church.

Went for 11.30am service, then joined the pastorate at 1.30pm.

it was great to be part of a small group again.

(:

i'm completely knackered.

4 hours of sleep, whole day in church.

I have no clue how I'm feeling right now. But today, the short time we had to speak to God, I felt the familiar peace of the Spirit on me. I was assured, that my value is in Christ, not in man.

I can't help but wonder if I should confront the issue, or let it be.

you just never seem to be around anymore.

"ENFPs take their relationships very seriously, but also approach them with a childlike enthusiasm and energy. They seek and demand authenticity and depth in their personal relationships, and will put forth a lot of effort into making things work out."

Thats why I'm tired.

Something inside of me drives me to make things work out, to help a relationship.

but I just want to stop having to always be the one always "in need" for "authenticity" in relationships, the one seemingly desperate for things to work out.

But I can't. I'm driven by my personality to keep this up.

where am I headed?

Waiting for Godot

Was the most amazing experience.

we got 11 pounds tickets that were in the first row. Other than the neckache I got from looking up, I can't begin to describe the emotions I was undergoing throughout the play. I would be laughing from one comic moment, then in awe of the actors' skills, and in disbelief that I'm actually 1m away from Ian Mckellen who I have so often seen on stage. Not to mention the photo above which we took with him after waiting backstage for like 10minutes.

The way I interpret it(annabelle correct me if I'm wrong) is that Waiting for Godot is Beckett's expression of the lack of purpose in life perhaps. Though beckett in his letters stated that he has no clue who Godot is, the play on his name and the constant reference to his ability to save the characters seem to point us to that direction.

Beckett presents a rather cynical view on the world. Aimless waiting, lack of purpose. The silence in the play is often presented as unsettling, disconcerting, replaced with the need to start a conversation.

Estragon and Vladimr seem to represent every man, and the relentless pressure of life on each one of us that leads to nothing. "YOU SAW ME!" Vladimr shouts to the messenger boy in the second half of the play seem to suggest the desperation that man feels for a God who doesnt seem to come. The fact that only Vladimr remembers the events of the day before, and unable to control the things happening around him seem to suggest the insignificance of man.

Unable to dictate situations, they are bound to wait in anticipation of a person who never seems to show up.

Okay that was rather brief. at 2am in the morning my lit glands tend to be rather skimpy. Having not seen the script, I doubt I'll be able to give anything more substantial. I'm just restating what was going on through my mind during the play. Alot was running through my mind. But its too late to try and write them down. I sometimes feel I have the memory of Estragon. heee.

Its interesting that we were doing the idea of Lutheran and Calvinism in Renaissance Lit today, and the play I watched in the night suggests the lost in the faith of a God. I can't begin to describe how much I disagree with Beckett on that one. My God is never one to leave me in anticipation of a promise that will not be fulfilled. My God knows His promises to me. (:

We can say that well, Beckett(ignoring the fact that he doesnt mean godot to be God) only wrote 2 days of the play. Though we are inclined to respond to the insincerity of this Godot who never shows us, the time of the play is only 2 days. God makes us wait sometimes. Since the play never continues, we never come to a conclusion if the 2 characters meet Godot, or hang themselves on the tree.

And about Calvinism, well, I don't believe in the idea of the "elect". God gave each of us free will to choose if we want to receive Christ and be saved. Anyone who does so have a place in heaven if we choose to keep it. We don't have to resort to Good Works to figure out if we have a pre-determined place in Heaven. Therefore, I doubt I can say that Faustus has been pre-determined to hell/heaven. He wilfully CHOSE to defy God and sell his soul to the devil.

anw, I should stop this right now cause i'll need my brain cells tomorrow to read my medieval Lyrics. Praise God that the passion for Literature is increasing. (: Thank you Jesus.

sometimes I just wonder if I'm being sensitive, or if reality drives me to behave this way.

will I ever understand?

or will I be caught in this endless cycle, in which I in the future shall impose on my friends?

to the latter I pray not.

not understand. if I must. Yet inside curiosity eats me.

I will resist.

READING WEEK

READING WEEK is now over.

It felt great to have completely no agenda whatsoever. No essays, a complete holiday.

Did some reading(as it is termed) of Chaucer, Marlowe... Still behind with reading though. Thats why I'm in the conservatory now typing this.

This week was fun! (: Monday night couple of us girls went out for a ladies night. (: Went to UCLU for 99p night then to Tigertiger. Music was GREAT. (: wearing heels wasnt such a great idea though.

The rest of the week was just doing reading, frisbee.

Thursday Elfi Rob and I took a bus up to Cambridge.

After Spain and all the buses we took, I felt a little claustrophobic being on that bus. Not to mention nauseous. But it was cool anyway.

it was rather sad that the weather decided to be shits that day. Epitome of GREYNESS and depression. Rain put all the sundials to complete desolation. It felt great though, to meet Joshua, and walking around the college that I've only ever so often heard of.

Singapore-Cambridge O and A level examinations. the singaporean finally in cambridge, taking a look at the college that we only dream of going to.(other than for joshua, in whose case became a reality)

To be honest, it was pretty and all, but the town seemed rather boring. and Apparently, you can see people talking and smiling to themselves whilst walking along the street. That is being too smart for you. seems rather scary.

Anw, we had a nice pub lunch for like 5 pounds(i had scampi and chips. the most english thing you can eat). then proceeded to check out King's College(cambridge) and the chapel. The chapel was rather impressive but after all the HUGE ARCHITECTURAL INSPIRING CATHEDRALS in Spain, Im sorry to say, this dims in comparison. But still, interesting. (:

Went to check out Trinity College and St. John's, the two richest colleges in Cambridge with a little rivalry going on in there. took a walk along the Backs,

and then it was back to London. A nice dinner at Nandos.

Friday did some reading in the day, at night, we had some drinks in Rob's room then proceeded to KoKo's. Its a club in Camden that has live music. great music, not your usual r&b hits but alternative indie rock that you're dancing to. (: the live bands were great! the lead singer of the second band was AWESOME. she's great! after the performances we just hung around dancing, shouting and having fun really. (: took a walk back to halls.

Saturday woke up late(missed frisbee. i think my president hates me), afternoon did some work, went out to chuck some frisbee with Ida. there was actually SUN! which explains the photo with my shades on. At night, Elfi, Rob, Gez, Tim, Jefferson Charlie and I proceeded to UCLU for 1.50 night and Karaoke. I was made to sing a song I had NO CLUE sounded like, and rob likewise was made to sing probably the most cheesy and entertaining song ever. it was great. great drinks, burning table and other strange incidents.

anyway, Life has been great. I still sometimes sit in my room, or walk along the streets of London, not believing that I'm actually here studying in this city. Its a rather disconcerting feeling. I Praise God for everything that he has blessed me with so far. For great friends, and even for simple things like learning to enjoy my course. I'm starting to really feel that Love for Literature. even though I still dread the idea of reading renaissance literature. and I still don't really understand edmund spenser. But in anycase, I do know what I enjoy, and i'm learning new things everyday. (: Praise God for my B in Lit theory. Could have done better but good enough for now I guess. (:

I'm in love with Chaucer. today's lecture on the Man of Law's tale was just so so so interesting I cant help but write down everything that Bob Mills was talking about. (: the idea of a cristendom against paganism. (: anw, i should get back to doctor faustus which is another interesting play. (:

Praise God for everything!