"Love can be such a non-word sometimes. it loses its meaning, its potency. Like, I really love cheeseburger, then I really love a sunny day, and then I really love my Family. None of those loves are remotely the same. They are totally different things. It's really difficult to write about love, or use Love in a song. Because, 'what does it really mean?' "

- John Mark Mcmillan

How apt does this introduction to the writing for the song 'How He loves us' describe my emotions on this trip to Sri Lanka. When penning down my emotions and thoughts after every eventful day, I found myself unable to fully capture my experience. Words fell flat, reality seem to slip past. Yet my emotions ran high. Being unable to adequately describe it makes me feel like my memory of Sri Lanka will be diminished in potency. But something tells me that I have been changed from the inside. Reading back on my posts, I read a poem I wrote 2 months back.

Lord Your ways are higher than me.

Teach me Father to walk in this grace

this Grace everlasting, Unbelievable.

The human mind seeks to rationalise

the greatness of this God who created the heavens

but fails. Fails miserably. The Supernatural

ways of you O Lord is higher.

Higher than the intelligence of man.

The inadequacies of us throws me into

Confusion. Yet I hear a voice

calling from Heaven, so deep from my heart.

Intimate, as if from within.

"Walk with me"

O God, truly you are amazing.

Reflecting on this missions trip, I feel like the act of blessing has given me so much more. truly it is more blessed to give than to receive.

How blessed I am to have grown up in Singapore where manual labour is almost unheard of for my generation. Grass areas around the country are well maintained, water is accessible from every house, electricity and everything else we have for our own comfort. On this trip I've been put to shame for complaining about having to sweep the floor in my house, that service is bad. Having to cut and clear plants for 4 hours on monday at the hospital, clearing the plants near the new well at the drug rehab really humbled me incredibly. I have no right to complain given what I have. Travelling everywhere in buses, I gave thanks to God for how amazing Singapore is. The sight of underdeveloped housing, disorganised traffic, I felt this heart for the people. Singaporeans could not be more spoilt. Yet we are so quick to complain, to be discontented with what we have, constantly yearning for more material items to satisfy our cravings.

This has really been a humbling trip. God really showed me how shallow my faith was, and put His finger on things in my life that should be changed. Seeing the Sri Lankans worship with such passion and fire, I really finally understand what it is like, to be simple, and to have that heart of worship once again. Seeing the people pray with such fire and earnestness at Ps Jayantha's Church in Magdampe, God spoke to me. He showed me that I lack this hunger this deep desire for Him. The church at the beach slum was simple, and small. The equipment they had was basic. Yet the work they do is noble. Giving these people a hope, a way with Christ. All they have is Christ. I need to have such a desire for God, that nothing else can satisfy me, only Him.

How reassuring has my experience been. Watching the eyes of the children twinkle when you sing the simplest of songs. The smiles on their faces when you give them hugs. How tightly they close their eyes when you pray for them. Jesus wants that child-like faith. I had it, during this trip. I just had the faith that God's presence was going to be there. And He always turned up. I believed I sought him and came before him as a child once again. I was shown why I loved children. It is because Jesus loved them. Praying for them and singing with them showed me Jesus' heart for the children. He reassured me for my love for my ministry, and once again fired up my motivation for serving.

I give thanks for God's presence that never once left us. Whether we were laughing and talking on the bus to our destination, or praying for people, or singing songs, even playing games, God was there. Everytime we just knew God was going to come and work in the hearts of the people. The Holy Spirit was constantly active in me. It was indeed humbling when Ravi said to me "You are so annointed! Really annointed" and I didn't know how to react to that. I was questioning if I was really annointed. Ravi said that the group of us is so annointed but we don't know. That was when God really said, "Move on to greater faith, greater works for me. Because I have given you the ability to" I guess because of the structure of the church I think that perhaps my annointing will really be shown if I'm a cell leader. But God says no, I have so much more than I can imagine.

On the last night, during the worship service, I felt God's presence so strong! I was reminded of Christ and his supremacy. His love indeed overwhelmed me. Everything felt so amazing in Sri Lanka. When I went up with the band to 'perform', I had no fear, no concern for the technicalities of the music. I was fixed on Jesus and His greatness. It was indeed the first experience for me that I really just wanted to worship whilst on stage. How amazing is God and his Holy Spirit, and what he can do through to me if I just offer myself to Him.

'He is jealous for me, loves like a hurricane I am a tree.

Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy.

All of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory

and I realised how beautiful You are, and

how great Your affections are for me

How he loves us, how he loves us oh.

We are his portion, He is our Prize.

Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes

if His grace is an ocean, we are all sinking

heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss

my heart turns violently inside my chest

i don't have time to maintain this agress when I think about

how he loves us "

This is the love we get from our Father in heaven. Words can't begin to describe His love for us. It is humanly impossible to put a measure of that love, yet we all feel that love from the Father in heaven. A feeling I can't put to words, or song or poetry. I have been humbled, reminded and overwhelmed by the Father, to an extent I can't believe. I am changed.

I just spoke silence with the seeker next to me

She had a heart with hesitant, halting speech

That turned to mine and asked belligerently

What do I live for

I see the scars of searches everywhere I go

From hearts to wars to literature to radio

There's a question like a shame no one will show

What do I live for

We are Hosea's wife

We are squandering this life

Using people like ladders and words like knives

If we've eyes to see

If we've ears to hear

To find it in our hearts and mouths the word that saves is near

Shed that shallow skin

Come and live again

Leave all you were before

To believe is to begin

Having been back in Singapore for more than 3 weeks, I'm starting to see the lack of awareness that Singaporeans have. Friends always comment on how Americans have no idea about what is happening around the world, what difference is Singapore to these? I don't know, I having been praying that God may open my eyes to things around me, to perspectives that I may not have observed before. And I believe he has. I'm starting to see how most people live in their own bubbles.

I had the experience in the Survival Camp to be completely and utterly plunged into a world where I may have chosen to ignore. A large percentage of people are selfish. There's no other word to describe them. I can't say I'm completely giving and selfless. Yet the level at which people think about themselves is appalling. They did not understand my heart for the community. And even after constant heart to heart talks with them, there was no change in their attitude towards the community.

At the end of it I felt quite an aching pain, in my heart. That generations of people here grow up to think about what they want, what they desire. Yet that desire and want is restricted to their own little bubble. They don't see the needs of others. I'm not trying to say that I'm a "Mother Theresa" in anyway for I admit that I do behave like this all the time. Yet God has opened my eyes to see, things that need to be changed in our society.

We need generations who believe that they are responsible for the community. My focus this time during the Survival Camp, I felt , was turned from children, to the counselors. It was not deliberate yet I found myself incredibly bothered by some, and encouraged by others. I believe God is showing me what this community needs. Generations who will be that change. "Be the change you want to see" We need people to start thinking that way. It is not about religion, it is about Love. The ultimate Love of Jesus Christ is that only way we can see change. But every action counts.

We see churches singing about saving nations, reaching out to people who needs Christ. Yet, people still gladly sit in their own bubble, in their comfort zones. This is what hurts the most. to see christians who do not see the need to reach out to the community. "Faith without deeds is dead" Jesus was always about the crowds. Never about himself. God wants us to imitate the life of Jesus, to be like him, share in the fellowship of his sufferings. We say " I want to be like Jesus" all the time. Where is that action? The faith sure is there, but it is lifeless unless we do something.

I pray that God will raise up a generation who will impact people in Singapore to take that step to rise up. That christians may stop saying and believing, but start doing. The worst thing we could be doing is to revel in the love of Christ, and not share it with people who need it the most.

The build up to my Sri Lanka Trip in July has made me very aware of my surroundings. Of people, of the community. I've constantly been thinking about how Nations need Christ. I'm not a big time preacher who can organise big rallies to preach to thousands. I want to impact lives one by one, from within the community. I'm small, but my God is big. I pray that God may use me in ways I cannot imagine. That what I want, may be what God wants. His plan, His desire.

Diving Deep

We started out fine,

like kids testing out waters.

dipping our toes

into the precarious pool ahead

then together, as it seemed

our friendship took the plunge

diving deep, destiny.

Before long the other person came along

I wished you happiness

couldn't have wanted more

for this friend who has shown

himself to be best

Slowly like wood upon the sea

we drifted,

Our friendship took the plunge

diving deep, drowned.

Before long you brushed me aside

It was alright until you came

and told me that I should stand one side

away from your life, and hers.

I still wish you happiness

and pray that the future

for us might exist

Not like wood upon the sea

unstable and drowned.

But once again as kids

in that once precarious pool

Diving deep but delight

in what I hope might be,

our Destiny.

Thank you Jesus!

Your love is deep, wide, great, high.

Your love is all we ever need.

ALL WE EVER NEED.

:D

Holding my HEART out to YOU

change is like an ocean wave

beautiful yet terrifying.

strength beyond its appearance

beauty in expectance.

not without fear

for it does not adhere

to rules of man

for with his hand

tries to resist its force

but with a toss

falls flat with failure

what we hold dear

stable and constant

might fall through in an instant

dreaded drum of life

upturns every constant

all but One

of love grace and mercy

the one who is so lovely

holds true, a wave

strength beyond appearance

beauty with expectance

different yet consistent

-Delphne 8/06/2010

Exams are over.

*cue cheers of joy

It feels strange to be sitting in a cafe or the park or in my room with no agenda. Haven't had that feeling in a while now. today Jefferson left. Won't see him ever unless he comes back to London or I meet up with him in US. Couple other people leaving today but I'll still see them I guess.

It has been a great year in University. I felt like I have matured in some ways. New experiences, great friends, new found independence. God has been good. He has opened my eyes to many things. Some Good, some flaws that I still have to work on.

It's only a few days till I fly back to Singapore. I'm looking forward to it. yet I'm afraid of many things. I'm pretty aware of the fact of continuous change us humans undergo. and it is the same awareness that scares me. Because I expect so much change. I have undeniably changed as a person, in what I look out for in people, what I expect from my life, and relationships. And I know relationships between people back home have changed. It scares me but I know the only way is to face it and accept it. unlike Amy in Eliot's The Family Reunion, I don't want everything to stay the same, for static relationships. I need change and excitement. It gives fear but also this adrenaline from the expectation of things to come.

God has been good, and He will be. :D Thank You Jesus for this awesome year. :P