I'm incredibly jealous of friends back home at the G12 conference. I wanna be there. heard great things happening in church and in Singapore!

GAH so terribly homesick today. Got treated like I was invisible, lunch was crap. I wanna go home. for today. I know I only have 3 years here and I should treasure it cause I'm gonna be missing it when I'm back in Singapore. For now, I want friends back home who won't treat me coldly, Mommy to cook awesome chinese food(even if there's is no rice), Dad to discuss random things, brothers to disturb. Chill out at Starbucks, Hang out at Timbre, Play in the band again.

Stayover at the twins', TYA, suppers ice cream dance lessons at Amore. Sukiyaki and Ebi Sushi at Sushi Tei.

Not 3 dudes next to me discussing about absolutely benign crap and forcing me to listen to their conversation even though my Lord of the Rings soundtrack is playing loudly in my ears.

nor having to read Sir John Mandeville which has to be the most boring text on the Medieval Course.

we're all entitled to rant once in a while aren't we?

Things won't be the same will it?

after all that's happen?

guess I'll just have to stop thinking about the past and accept what I've done

I'm sorry I screwed up.

"You alone can rescue

You alone can save

you alone can lift us from the grave

You came to find us

let us out of death

You alone deserve the highest praise"

It has been a while.

I forgot what it was like to be part of a christian community.

Today that changed.

I finally came to terms with the fact that I need a family here in London

it has been hard.

struggling with God.

thinking that I can lead a life without a christian community.

I've been attending church, just not actively involved, and being accountable to anyone.

somewhere along the line I felt my heart hardening, but I insisted I could live without a community.

Finally, after being so caught up with the pace of life, and the social aspect of it, the spirit reminded me that I need a family. I need support.

Today I finally gave in God at the altar. I felt the Holy spirit again. And on my way to a tender heart. Again.

I feel horrible, like what Paul said in Hebrew, Why do I keep returning back to things that I already know I shouldn't be falling back into? When I should be mature enough to teach, to educate to guide my fellow christians. I guess its all about the fear of the Lord. I need to constantly remind myself that I need to do my part of the relationship too. Why do I seek earthly relationships and expect so much out of it when I don't even do the same with God?

Why don't I be proactive? I need that again.

Today I'm reminded, and I'm starting anew. He is the only one who can save me. not Man. Not myself. I will never win in that struggle. I praise God for someone in church who actually reached out to me today. Now I know what it feels like to be new in a church community. Life's not gonna be the same. (:

"A heart that follows hard after You"

I'm learning to crawl

Life's been fair lately.

sitting in starbucks along Kingsway, waiting aimlessly for seminar to begin.

chatting away with Grammar Nazi, Dad and Eiji.

good entertainment I must say,

Finding out about the latest news in the country and the family. (:

planning my come-home dinner when I touch down.

so far we have:

1. HOKKIEN MEE(never though I'd miss it this much. and I think its my favourite food)

2. Fish soup noodle

3. rojak (smelly goodness)

4. CHILLI CRAB

5. durian for dessert.

my presentation for shelley was done haphazardly.

Hope it'll be enough though. (:

looking forward to Phantom of the Opera ALOT.

Thank you God for the wonderful day!

I'm learning to breathe

I'm learning to crawl

I'm finding that you and you alone can break my fall

I'm living again,

Awake and alive

I'm trying to breathe in these abundant skies.

Loads of events coming up!

poker night on friday with the singaporeans(don't know how to play so i'll stick to monopoly or something) will probably end up screaming and shouting into the night/morning!

King's singaporeans outing to Regents' on saturday

Imperial Sing soc musical saturday night

Sunday pastorate then service

Tuesday Sabina'a birthday and Phantom of the Opera(WOOO! CAN'T WAIT! REALLY WANT TO WATCH THIS!!!!)

Wednesday St. Patrick's day.

Thursday IH Boat Party.

what exciting days ahead of me.

(: Thanks Mom and Dad. I'm really quite okay! school work's manageable. I'm just KIASU!(spirit of the singaporean)

He makes me rest in fields of green

by quiet streams.

Even though I walk through the valley

of death and dying.

I will not fear cause You are with me

You are with me.

Shepherd's staff, comforts me

You are my feast, in the presence of enemies.

Surely goodness, follow me

follow me.

In the House of God forever

I think I'm making things worse than they already are.

Why can't God just make all of us speak ONE language, adhere to ONE set of values so that I don't have to wreck my brains over what the response is going to be.

I look out the window
The birds are composing
Not a note is out of tune
Or out of place
I look at the meadow
And stare at the flowers
Better dressed than any girl
On her wedding day

So why do I worry?
Why do I freak out?
God knows what I need
You know what I need

Its already the weekend. Another week has passed and I have no clue how I'm gonna sit for the exams in May. I can't help but worry. Its a nagging thought inside of me. As with other things.

but Your Love is Strong.

I was just thinking about Life and Death yesterday. with the Herbert and Donne poems that created a rather sublime emotion in me. The feeling that us as man cannot effect any change. That there is no proper resolution to issues of life, or faith. Well, Faith can't be explained. Logic seems to be at eternal struggle with it. Anyway, about life and death, I mentioned. I can hardly grapple with life much less deal with death.

but what exactly is life without the knowledge of death? and vice versa. Its only through death that we start to see the significance and the value of life. Though both might seem to be unable to coexist at the same time.

I don't know. My thoughts are all over this morning. Well, at least its still morning for me. It seems life was much simpler in the middle ages. Yet, what would I make of simplicity if I never knew what it was to live in today? Life's defines itself in relation to other things. Like Saussure and his idea of linguistic value. To be honest,

its too early to ponder about life. mundane things like hunger calls.

I think I gave up.

I have better things to spend my emotions on.

Oh, to vex me, contraries meet in one:

Inconstancy unnaturally hath begot

A constant habit; that when I would not

I change in vows, and in devotion.

As humorous is my contrition

As my profane love, and as soon forgot:

As riddling distempered, cold and hot,

As praying, as mute; as Infinite, as none.

I durst not view heaven yesterday; and today

In prayers and flattering speeches I court God;

Tomorrow I quake with true fear of his rod.

So my devout fits come and go away

Like a Fantastic ague; save that here

Those are my best days, when I shake with feare.

- John Donne Holy Sonnet 19

Reading this in lecture today, I felt the spirit speak to me. I guess studying literature in the Renaissance really is feeding my spirit with wisdom from my predecessors in the Christian faith. Troubled by a time of confusing ideologies with respect to the Christian faith, Donne firmly believed in the idea that man is saved by faith(contrary to the idea of Calvinism) and has the free will to decide if he wants to be saved.

In this poem, I just suddenly felt reminded of the inconsistency of man. and how HUMAN our love is that cannot be compared to the insurmountable love of Christ. We humans are so fickle. Never consistent in our love, in our time spent with this Father. Yet He continues to bless us and watch over us. I wonder if he looks down on us and laughs lovingly at the simple words we say to praise Him because I believe they don't come close ever to describing this great God.

"Those are my best days, when I shake with feare"

Fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom.

Today is a beautiful day. Sun's shining, slightly higher temperatures, great conversations. Yet the gloom of the 30 poems sitting in front of me is enough to shroud any spring day. the fact that I have yet to start on any of them makes it worse. and James Joyce's Portrait is sitting in my bag, yearning to be taken out to be read. I shut my ears to its desperate cries.

On the way I was thinking. After speaking to Elfi, I do feel something lifted off my shoulders. I know I have to think about the time you bothered to spend time with me and stuff. But I just can't understand why replying me has become something you ignore. I never speak to you about anything important anymore. And vice versa. It just pains me to always have people I'm really close to but after drift apart because one party just drifts away. I know my value is in God not in man. I came to terms with that. I know I did.

I just miss you.

SURPRISE!

Totally not on purpose. I made a mistake trimming my fringe and D-NA! After evening it out, it becomes bangs. I'm still really self conscious about it, but I'll get used to it. I might even change to this style! For now, I have to quite fiddling with it. But my hands seem to naturally go up to my fringe to fiddle with it.

I had a great talk to Elfi last night about certain issues. I'm starting to feel like maybe I shouldnt have spoken to her cause I think I made her feel quite bad. But I'm glad I did and that she understands what I'm going through. I thank God for her!

sitting in Anthropology of Religion lecture and seminar today, I realised that I'm really skeptical about enthnography and anthropology. I mean, it's a rather ambitious and interesting field to want to go into. But what does this benefit the bulk of society other than providing us with entertainment of understanding other cultures? I admit that I do enjoy watching other cultures and the rituals they practice, yet it doesn't do much to me other than remind me of the fact of who I am.

Maybe that is the point. To create a greater sense of identity and personal location. I guess I myself am in a position to conduct fieldwork and study of local british culture.

Oh, and we spoke about how the line between sacred and profane is blurred. The spiritual rituals that we practise and adhere to usually imposes itself on our profane lives. and similiarly the other way. The whole idea of spiritual ceremonies and rituals to unite the body within the religion makes sense. Yet I start to wonder,within christianity, by uniting within the church does that mean we tend to set the boundaries between us and the rest of the world? Do we separate ourselves from them? Hence the need for the extra effort to reach out to the rest of the world? which reminds me of what we spoke of on Sunday from James chapter 2. Because of such unity(within the church, but also within the cell or certain ministries) do we tend to discriminate? I'm quite sure we don't in FCBC, but do we unconsciously do so?

We learnt of medieval lyrics and songs in seminar today. How great is God's love and Christ that we sing of him even in the middle ages. till today!! Its awesome just thinking about it. (:

On Christ my Solid Rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand.

musing

"What was after the universe? Nothing. But was there anything round the universe to show where it stopped before the nothing place began? It could not be a wall but there could be a thin thin line there all round everything. It was very big to think about everything and everywhere. Only God could do that. " - Stephen Dedalus in Portrait of an artist as a young man by James Joyce

what exactly is after the universe? I believe this is something too profound for me to give an answer to. the "thin thin line around everything" sounds metaphorical. there's a thin thin line around everything. A fine fine line between love and a waste of time (as in Kate monster's song in Avenue Q) The insignificance of man to the universe around us cannot be described. much less understood. I don't think I am able to form any proper thought around this idea of the universe and God's magnitude.

His Grace, his mercy, his power, his love. I'm just an insignificant other in this world. The world that He chooses to love. I'm small in comparison to the world. but not small enough to escape the eye of the Loving Father. (:

I don't know what to expect from my future ahead, as much as I like to think of it as being plot out for myself. But looking at this passage from the long long long and dreary novel that I'm made to read for friday's seminar, and reflecting on it, I know that as insignificant as I feel in relation to the world, my future, the unknown, I can't escape the power and the love of my Father in Heaven. He guides, and He seeks to lead me on.

as long as I stretch out my arm.

epiphany

I just had the sudden realisation, of what uni means.

it means that the progression from years of study,

and the preparation of years to come.

looking at the effort I'm putting in to my studies, its just not gonna be enough.

We look at at least 3 books a week. I should not be aiming just to read them, but analyse them and read secondary critics on them. Then i'll be ready for seminar.

I have the time. just not the mind.

Exams this semester ain't gonna be easy. Looking at the number of books I'm covering.

the 4000 word essay for Medieval doesnt seem to be going well either.

I have a month or two to finish it. But I just started research on Chaucer, and well, its not gonna be easy. Considering they give us 18 qns to choose one from. Essay plans are due in 3 weeks.

joyce, donne, herbert and medieval lyrics this week.

Modules for next year will be chosen Wednesday.

I pray for God's Guiding hands.

that said,

I'm happy that I'm starting to grow in mental maturity. In understanding of ideas and interpretation of language. I'm learning. just not fast enough.

Flesh die, Spirit arise.