Wednesday, October 6, 2010

SACHSENHAUSEN - 'Arbeit Macht Frei'(cont'd)

What can explain such horrific crimes against humanity?

How evil can a human mind actually be?

The scary thing is not in the fact that people were killed, but the fact that actual human beings could sit down and think through what would be the most systematic way to exterminate people.

If they have to think of ways to kill someone without living with the guilt of it, should it not have been an alarm of their conscience? To what extent will man go to keep their own lives. To save it and cause others to lose it.

At the end of the walking tour, walking into the last standing original building, the Pathology lab, just broke me. It was the culmination of all the anger and emotion I felt throughout the entire walk. Looking at the empty autopsy room, the ironically while tiled tables, walls basins and cabinets, I finally broke down in tears. Tears was merely a shallow outlet for the turmoil that was inside me. What is humanity? How can God still love us when we are capable of such? “Love your enemy” has to be the hardest commandment to ever obey. I can’t begin to describe how impossible that will be for me if I were one of the victims. Not when I find that rather impossible now.

How does one explain this event in history, a history not too distant away? Can we even give enough thought to it? Walking through the memorial I felt this sense of skepticism(as I always do). The people who walk through this memorial, do they truly understand the lessons of the past? Do they learn anything? Some people on the tour were laughing and talking about ‘you were so wasted last night’. When will we throw off such self-centeredness and occupation with ourselves to truly think about where we are now as humans. WIll thinking about the horrific past suffice? Will it enable us to change, and live as better people?

I don’t think anything can explain. I don’t even feel that my emotions from this experience has justified it’s horrific place in history. I walk out of that concentration camp with such feelings but how has it changed me?

You think nations will learn from their ignorance in this issue that led to so many deaths. Yet we see it happening. Rwanda, Bosnia Herzegovina, Sri Lanka, India, Bangladesh Cambodia? Standing aside because it is a ‘localised issue’ or perhaps more importantly, that our own interests are not at stake? When will it be justified to intervene then?


SACHSENHAUSEN - 'Arbeit Macht Frei'


WARNING: LONG POST-but worth while if you’re interested in History/Human Kind.

History of Sachsenhausen: The Concentration camp was built in 1936 meant as a model for the network of death and concentration camps to follow this one. Whilst the world’s focus was on Berlin for the 1936 Olympics, Few thousand slave labourers were 40km north of Berlin building this camp, or digging their own graves. This was not an extermination camp, unlike Auschwitz which was a ‘Death Camp’. This was a slave labour camp, meaning that every prisoner is made to do slave work during their imprisonment. The camp was freed by the Soviets in 1945 after the fall of the Nazis. Knowing that they were to be discovered, the SS officers ordered for the thousands of prisoners to make a march towards the West, then up North, known as the ‘Death March’. This campsite was then desolate for the few years under the Soviet’s occupation of East Germany. In 1961, the soviets opened this place as a memorial, but used it as a place of propaganda. They remembered only the communist soldiers who died ‘for the country’ and not the rest of the people. It was only in 1992 that they restored the place and the world can visit this site of extreme horrific memories, and remember every single group of people who died under the Nazis.

We followed the entire route that would have been walked by the prisoners on their way to Sachsenhausen. The camp is a triangle shaped area, with the tip at ‘Tower A’, which enables SS officers(Schutzstaffel-meaning protective squad) to keep an eye on every part of the camp. Prisoners would enter into the ‘Registrationplatz’ where registration, and dehumanisation will begin. Officers first go around the groups and pick out the strong-willed ones, those who seem like the leaders. They would beat them up in front of everything. The idea here is to scare everyone into obedience. If they think that they can follow their leader, then they are wrong because this is what will happen to them. They are then stripped of all their clothing, shaved of all their hair. Hair is one of the defining characteristics of human individuality and by shaving it all, everyone looks similar. They are all given a uniform, and a registration number. They are no longer known by their names. The Nazis later introduced coloured triangles to show the officers why the prisoners are in the camp. Red was for Communists, Social Democrats, anarchists, and other “enemies of the state”; green was for German criminals; blue was for foreign forced laborers; brown was for Roman Sintis(or known as Gypsies); pink was for homosexuals; purple was for Jehovah’s Witnesses and black was for asocials, a catch-all term for vagrants, bums, prostitutes, hobos, perverts, alcoholics. Once they get through the gates of Tower A, 200,000 of them never returned. 53,000 died due to labour. The remaining 147,000 were probably sent to Death Camps.

Entering the front gates we see a big field infront of us. This is the “roll call” area. Barracks are lined in a 3 semi circles facing Tower A. Everymorning, prisoners are given 30minutes to wake up,dress up, pack their beds, clean their lockers, shower, wash up, eat breakfast and report to the roll call area. It is okay for mayb 10 people, not when there are 200 or more in a barrack. The barracks were made for 150 people but by some time they were over capacity to maybe 300 per barrack. Often people die being trampled on and drowned. Not to mention that SS officers often give trouble to the prisoners by purposely causing jams in the hallways, and drowning people in the washrooms. If they do not make it out on time to the roll call area, the prisoners are immediately dragged to the front of the field to be hanged on the gallows, often prisoners are made to do it to their fellow prisoners.

The front of the roll call area is barricaded by barbed wires and an electric wire that will kill upon a single touch. Officers are also given the command to shoot anyone who makes a run for it. Often, many prisoners gave up with the touch lifestyle and ran forward to die. Soon, the SS officers realise that too many people are taking the easy way out. Hence, they decided that they were going to take away the one right that people had. The choice to live or to die was going to be controlled by the SS officers. Anyone who takes a run for it, will be shot in the leg, and then tortured and dealt with accordingly. Soon maybe dropped dead from the 3 hour long roll call in the early morning, and the evenings, especially during the harsh winters. After morning roll call, they are all sent off to their various work details. Many of them were working for companies that built their factories outside of the camp, some of them still in existence, like Siemens. Brickmaking, building of houses, serving the SS officers, working in ‘Station Z’ and Boot Testing. Boot testing was known as the ‘death detail’. Many prisoners who were made to do this, mostly the homosexuals, dropped dead. Their average life span is no more than 14 days. They were made to wear boots that were purposely sizes too small. They had to carry backpacks filled with sand, and then made to run back and forth the roll call area for the whole duration of the work detail time in the day, around 12 hours. If that was not enough, they were made to run across different kinds of ground that a soldier might encounter like volcanic ash, rocky terrains and such. Prisoners were given only some water, and a small piece of stale bread for their ‘lunch break’.

Then there was the Special Prisoners Unit. These contained the more important prisoners like members of resistance and others. They were tortured and interrogated most commonly by handing them by their arms inversely. They walk up a small elevated platform near the pole, their hands tied behind them. Their arms are then lifted behind them, hooked onto the pole and the platform in kicked away. While this special area was walled, prisoners in the concentration camp could hear the screams of these people.

Station Z. Termed as the last alphabet because there is no exit from that place, as opposed to Tower A. It is the extermination center of Sachsenhausen. We see a trench upon our initial entry into this area. The earliest method of extermination was to line up the people in a line in the trench and shooting them. They then drag their bodies into a big room and once it becomes full, a vehicle comes to pick up all the bodies and transport them to an crematorium in Central Berlin. Soon it became a logistical problem as the number of bodies needed to be cremated were increasing too quickly and there was an accident that occured when one of the vehicles transporting the bodies was hit and the bodies spilled out onto the road. That is when they created the more systematic way of extermination. POWs(most of the time they are not worked but killed) are brought in thinking that its an infirmary. They are greeted by Prisoners working there, who are in lab coats. They first enter the ‘waiting room’, and one by one they enter the rest of the room. The next one is the ‘body checkup area’ but most of the time, they are checked for gold teeth. If they have gold teeth, the prisoner working inside will make an X on the POW. Later they are walked into a small room and they stand with their back against a ‘measuring stick’ that has a small gap between the neck and head of a person. The prisoner who led him in will push a button and a light will go on in the back room. The SS officer on duty will stand up, aim, and shoot the person in the head. There is no mess, and no resistance from the unsuspecting POWs, and the officers do not have to deal with the emotional stress of killing them. The prisoner who pushes the button then deals with it. He drags the body in the next room and the next POW comes in unsuspectingly. The dead bodies are sorted and gold teeth are plucked. The bodies are then loaded into 3 large incinerators and burnt once it becomes full. The ashes are then dumped outside.

Finally we made our way to the pathology lab and the infirmary where they carried out grotesque experiments on prisoners. One such test would be the study of Gangrene. They would give a prisoner a fresh wound and place a rusted piece of metal inside and sews the wound up. WITHOUT anaesthetic. In the pathology lab, dead bodies were cut up and inspected and their death would be given a ‘natural cause’ so that if external institutions start poking their noses in they would have justified deaths.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

fleeting

time is passing by so quickly.
Though I sometimes feel like I'm not really doing anything much,
2 months have passed. it's 24 days before I fly back to London.
I feel ready to start uni again, Excited about the term ahead.
Yet, there is much I want to do, and keeping doing in Singapore.

To put everything on hold again is quite a sian thought.
But i'm feeling quite good about my year in London.

It is going to be exciting.
Musical, KCLMSS' Events Director, Church!

for now,
Freshers' Induction, Musical development.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

A recent experience
slowly drifting into a distant past
that glimpse of a memory
losing fast

Chains from the past
shackled on to ankles
keeping us in history
constant retrospective
this steady motif
that locks us in a cycle
of only recognising past glory

O the danger of this
eyes on the past
like arrows through our present
walk on my friends
leave behind those
shame or honour
on to greater deeds
to tasks that await,
on this road marked out
for every child of His.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

"Love can be such a non-word sometimes. it loses its meaning, its potency. Like, I really love cheeseburger, then I really love a sunny day, and then I really love my Family. None of those loves are remotely the same. They are totally different things. It's really difficult to write about love, or use Love in a song. Because, 'what does it really mean?' "
- John Mark Mcmillan

How apt does this introduction to the writing for the song 'How He loves us' describe my emotions on this trip to Sri Lanka. When penning down my emotions and thoughts after every eventful day, I found myself unable to fully capture my experience. Words fell flat, reality seem to slip past. Yet my emotions ran high. Being unable to adequately describe it makes me feel like my memory of Sri Lanka will be diminished in potency. But something tells me that I have been changed from the inside. Reading back on my posts, I read a poem I wrote 2 months back.

Lord Your ways are higher than me.
Teach me Father to walk in this grace
this Grace everlasting, Unbelievable.
The human mind seeks to rationalise
the greatness of this God who created the heavens
but fails. Fails miserably. The Supernatural
ways of you O Lord is higher.
Higher than the intelligence of man.
The inadequacies of us throws me into
Confusion. Yet I hear a voice
calling from Heaven, so deep from my heart.
Intimate, as if from within.
"Walk with me"

O God, truly you are amazing.

Reflecting on this missions trip, I feel like the act of blessing has given me so much more. truly it is more blessed to give than to receive.

How blessed I am to have grown up in Singapore where manual labour is almost unheard of for my generation. Grass areas around the country are well maintained, water is accessible from every house, electricity and everything else we have for our own comfort. On this trip I've been put to shame for complaining about having to sweep the floor in my house, that service is bad. Having to cut and clear plants for 4 hours on monday at the hospital, clearing the plants near the new well at the drug rehab really humbled me incredibly. I have no right to complain given what I have. Travelling everywhere in buses, I gave thanks to God for how amazing Singapore is. The sight of underdeveloped housing, disorganised traffic, I felt this heart for the people. Singaporeans could not be more spoilt. Yet we are so quick to complain, to be discontented with what we have, constantly yearning for more material items to satisfy our cravings.

This has really been a humbling trip. God really showed me how shallow my faith was, and put His finger on things in my life that should be changed. Seeing the Sri Lankans worship with such passion and fire, I really finally understand what it is like, to be simple, and to have that heart of worship once again. Seeing the people pray with such fire and earnestness at Ps Jayantha's Church in Magdampe, God spoke to me. He showed me that I lack this hunger this deep desire for Him. The church at the beach slum was simple, and small. The equipment they had was basic. Yet the work they do is noble. Giving these people a hope, a way with Christ. All they have is Christ. I need to have such a desire for God, that nothing else can satisfy me, only Him.

How reassuring has my experience been. Watching the eyes of the children twinkle when you sing the simplest of songs. The smiles on their faces when you give them hugs. How tightly they close their eyes when you pray for them. Jesus wants that child-like faith. I had it, during this trip. I just had the faith that God's presence was going to be there. And He always turned up. I believed I sought him and came before him as a child once again. I was shown why I loved children. It is because Jesus loved them. Praying for them and singing with them showed me Jesus' heart for the children. He reassured me for my love for my ministry, and once again fired up my motivation for serving.

I give thanks for God's presence that never once left us. Whether we were laughing and talking on the bus to our destination, or praying for people, or singing songs, even playing games, God was there. Everytime we just knew God was going to come and work in the hearts of the people. The Holy Spirit was constantly active in me. It was indeed humbling when Ravi said to me "You are so annointed! Really annointed" and I didn't know how to react to that. I was questioning if I was really annointed. Ravi said that the group of us is so annointed but we don't know. That was when God really said, "Move on to greater faith, greater works for me. Because I have given you the ability to" I guess because of the structure of the church I think that perhaps my annointing will really be shown if I'm a cell leader. But God says no, I have so much more than I can imagine.

On the last night, during the worship service, I felt God's presence so strong! I was reminded of Christ and his supremacy. His love indeed overwhelmed me. Everything felt so amazing in Sri Lanka. When I went up with the band to 'perform', I had no fear, no concern for the technicalities of the music. I was fixed on Jesus and His greatness. It was indeed the first experience for me that I really just wanted to worship whilst on stage. How amazing is God and his Holy Spirit, and what he can do through to me if I just offer myself to Him.

'He is jealous for me, loves like a hurricane I am a tree.
Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy.
All of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory
and I realised how beautiful You are, and
how great Your affections are for me
How he loves us, how he loves us oh.
We are his portion, He is our Prize.
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes
if His grace is an ocean, we are all sinking
heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss
my heart turns violently inside my chest
i don't have time to maintain this agress when I think about
how he loves us "

This is the love we get from our Father in heaven. Words can't begin to describe His love for us. It is humanly impossible to put a measure of that love, yet we all feel that love from the Father in heaven. A feeling I can't put to words, or song or poetry. I have been humbled, reminded and overwhelmed by the Father, to an extent I can't believe. I am changed.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

I just spoke silence with the seeker next to me

She had a heart with hesitant, halting speech

That turned to mine and asked belligerently

What do I live for

I see the scars of searches everywhere I go

From hearts to wars to literature to radio

There's a question like a shame no one will show

What do I live for

We are Hosea's wife

We are squandering this life

Using people like ladders and words like knives

If we've eyes to see

If we've ears to hear

To find it in our hearts and mouths the word that saves is near

Shed that shallow skin

Come and live again

Leave all you were before

To believe is to begin

Having been back in Singapore for more than 3 weeks, I'm starting to see the lack of awareness that Singaporeans have. Friends always comment on how Americans have no idea about what is happening around the world, what difference is Singapore to these? I don't know, I having been praying that God may open my eyes to things around me, to perspectives that I may not have observed before. And I believe he has. I'm starting to see how most people live in their own bubbles.

I had the experience in the Survival Camp to be completely and utterly plunged into a world where I may have chosen to ignore. A large percentage of people are selfish. There's no other word to describe them. I can't say I'm completely giving and selfless. Yet the level at which people think about themselves is appalling. They did not understand my heart for the community. And even after constant heart to heart talks with them, there was no change in their attitude towards the community.

At the end of it I felt quite an aching pain, in my heart. That generations of people here grow up to think about what they want, what they desire. Yet that desire and want is restricted to their own little bubble. They don't see the needs of others. I'm not trying to say that I'm a "Mother Theresa" in anyway for I admit that I do behave like this all the time. Yet God has opened my eyes to see, things that need to be changed in our society.

We need generations who believe that they are responsible for the community. My focus this time during the Survival Camp, I felt , was turned from children, to the counselors. It was not deliberate yet I found myself incredibly bothered by some, and encouraged by others. I believe God is showing me what this community needs. Generations who will be that change. "Be the change you want to see" We need people to start thinking that way. It is not about religion, it is about Love. The ultimate Love of Jesus Christ is that only way we can see change. But every action counts.

We see churches singing about saving nations, reaching out to people who needs Christ. Yet, people still gladly sit in their own bubble, in their comfort zones. This is what hurts the most. to see christians who do not see the need to reach out to the community. "Faith without deeds is dead" Jesus was always about the crowds. Never about himself. God wants us to imitate the life of Jesus, to be like him, share in the fellowship of his sufferings. We say " I want to be like Jesus" all the time. Where is that action? The faith sure is there, but it is lifeless unless we do something.

I pray that God will raise up a generation who will impact people in Singapore to take that step to rise up. That christians may stop saying and believing, but start doing. The worst thing we could be doing is to revel in the love of Christ, and not share it with people who need it the most.

The build up to my Sri Lanka Trip in July has made me very aware of my surroundings. Of people, of the community. I've constantly been thinking about how Nations need Christ. I'm not a big time preacher who can organise big rallies to preach to thousands. I want to impact lives one by one, from within the community. I'm small, but my God is big. I pray that God may use me in ways I cannot imagine. That what I want, may be what God wants. His plan, His desire.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Diving Deep

We started out fine,
like kids testing out waters.
dipping our toes
into the precarious pool ahead
then together, as it seemed
our friendship took the plunge
diving deep, destiny.
Before long the other person came along
I wished you happiness
couldn't have wanted more
for this friend who has shown
himself to be best

Slowly like wood upon the sea
we drifted,
Our friendship took the plunge
diving deep, drowned.
Before long you brushed me aside
It was alright until you came
and told me that I should stand one side
away from your life, and hers.

I still wish you happiness
and pray that the future
for us might exist
Not like wood upon the sea
unstable and drowned.
But once again as kids
in that once precarious pool
Diving deep but delight
in what I hope might be,
our Destiny.

Saturday, June 12, 2010

Thank you Jesus!

Your love is deep, wide, great, high.
Your love is all we ever need.
ALL WE EVER NEED.

:D

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Holding my HEART out to YOU

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

change is like an ocean wave
beautiful yet terrifying.
strength beyond its appearance
beauty in expectance.
not without fear
for it does not adhere
to rules of man
for with his hand
tries to resist its force
but with a toss
falls flat with failure
what we hold dear
stable and constant
might fall through in an instant
dreaded drum of life
upturns every constant

all but One
of love grace and mercy
the one who is so lovely
holds true, a wave
strength beyond appearance
beauty with expectance
different yet consistent

-Delphne 8/06/2010

Saturday, June 5, 2010





Exams are over.

*cue cheers of joy

It feels strange to be sitting in a cafe or the park or in my room with no agenda. Haven't had that feeling in a while now. today Jefferson left. Won't see him ever unless he comes back to London or I meet up with him in US. Couple other people leaving today but I'll still see them I guess.

It has been a great year in University. I felt like I have matured in some ways. New experiences, great friends, new found independence. God has been good. He has opened my eyes to many things. Some Good, some flaws that I still have to work on.

It's only a few days till I fly back to Singapore. I'm looking forward to it. yet I'm afraid of many things. I'm pretty aware of the fact of continuous change us humans undergo. and it is the same awareness that scares me. Because I expect so much change. I have undeniably changed as a person, in what I look out for in people, what I expect from my life, and relationships. And I know relationships between people back home have changed. It scares me but I know the only way is to face it and accept it. unlike Amy in Eliot's The Family Reunion, I don't want everything to stay the same, for static relationships. I need change and excitement. It gives fear but also this adrenaline from the expectation of things to come.

God has been good, and He will be. :D Thank You Jesus for this awesome year. :P

Friday, May 28, 2010

ha la la la la la life is wonderful

Studying for anthropology = non-existent

Other things have been going great though. Keep praying for housing because we have yet to sign the contract.

The dream God has given me is taking root. Waiting upon the Lord for now till I get back.

Excitement is brewing. :D

first, I'll need some excitement whilst I study for Anthro. I can't believe I thought this might be interesting. geez.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

BREAK OUT


Break Out was last night.

To be honest, I felt really reluctant to go. mainly cause I was feeling lazy, and the other because I really didn't know what to expect. But I went in the end. We prayer walked from London Bridge, went round some of the clubs to pray, and towards Waterloo. At the end, Piete Jazz and Jonny spoke to this guy who was sitting alone. Hannah and I went to the big green couches to sit, and in the end, we went up 3 girls and prayed for them.

I really praise God for giving us that courage. I mean, being in a whole new country and all, I feel that I can do the same as I did back home. People are infact perhaps more open. We'll keep praying and asking God for the harvest from seeds that we have sown.

Thank You Lord.

Monday, May 24, 2010

GOD IS GOOD

Things to Thank God for:

1. His amazing Grace:

we were reading Mark 4:35 about Jesus Calming the storm during pastorate on Sunday and I believe the common agreement was that we are always like the disciples. " Do you not care that we are perishing?" they said to him when they woke him in the middle of the storm. I asked myself, I'm always like this. Why do I still question God when I know He has a plan and that it is all part of His will? He who created the heavens and the earth must be bigger than the puny situations that I go through. Why then do i still do that? and I constantly find myself laughing at myself after everything has blown over, at my stupidity at believing that Things might not have worked out. Jesus said to the disciples " why do you still have no faith?" not in a manner of anger, but rebuke. Same for us, Why do we still doubt out Faith in God?

In service, Bill Johnson spoke of the exact same verse. It has to be from God. He said, but remember, the disciples WOKE Jesus. Same for us, we must wake Jesus with our prayers. Only then can he work through us. He did something for the disciples that they could have done for us. Jesus doesnt always want to do things FOR us. He would, but He also wants to work THROUGH us.

2. House

Dara Megan Aditi and I settled out house today. I firmly believe this was a blessing from God. At a point where we were all so stressed out by this nagging issue, He intervene. I prayed hard for this apartment. And He gave. I read today 1 Timothy 4 and it said "For everything God created is Good, and nothing is to be rejected if it is received with thanksgiving. Because it is consecrated by the word of God and Prayer". I pray this over the house, that I receive it with praise to God for it, and that it has been blessed to us because of prayers. and The word of God now blesses it. :D

3. The beautiful weather

It has been great. warm, sunny. I wonder how I'm going to survive back in Singapore. I did dream that I cut my hair really short. But dreams may often be the opposite of real life? HAHA. :D perhaps. But praise God. And I'm coming home soon!

4. Support

People who are praying for me, Mom and Dad who have been really supportive despite my flaws. :D People in church who has been praying for me.

God is Good, all the time.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

reflections

Had my Renaissance Lit exam today. I found it amazing how little fear I felt for it? I'm not sure if i'm just desensitised but I literally felt no stress. Thanks for the prayers. :)

Tonight at student pastorate Jamie spoke about Them not Us. Has the church become an exclusive club? It's really a crucial issue that we have to address if we wanna reach the nations.

Colossians 4: 5-6

"Be wise in the way you act towards outsiders: make the most of every opportunity. Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone"

I guess we have to work on this one, at least I personally.

Anyway, housing is unto the Lord now. Gonna keep praying for his Grace and Blessing. :)

Monday, May 17, 2010

Get me a roof!

Honestly, issues of housing are bugging me like the constant hum of silence in my room.
It's small, in the background, but drives me crazy.

At least I know I'm moving out next year and I don't have to worry about disgusting Hall Food.
I'm gonna give it up to God. I pray that God you'll guide my ways and give me wisdom with the choice of flats.

Exams begin tomorrow. I can't believe I'm still sitting at my comp watching a few videos and typing this. I don't feel prepare, neither do I feel unprepared? Maybe cause I've been studying for so long it's like, I don't know. Desensitised perhaps. Listening to Brooke Fraser's music and studying. :D inspiring.

Father It's all in Your hands.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

have you got the Passion?


PASSION 2010!

a last minute decision turned into the greatest blessing!
I went with absolutely no expectations, not knowing what it is about. Only 1 agenda on my heart: to experience that fellowship with the Spirit I haven't felt in a long time. All I can say is God has once again given more than I expected.

14th May: Friday I'm in the Movie
Romans 8:26-39.
God is FOR us! v. 26 the spirit intercedes for us. when Louie got onto his knees to demonstrate the image of the spirit praying for us I just felt so amazed. God himself in the spirit prays for me when words fail, when we pray for the wrong thing, the Spirit intercedes for what we really need.
v.31 "if God is for us who can be against us?" v.33 "Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen?"
if God is FOR us then who condemns us since God is the only one capable of condemnation. Yet the God of Judgement loved us so that he gave up his son for us. So why do we still listen to that small cunning voice that tells us we are not worthy, that we are guilty? Hasnt God proven his love for us, and proven that he is on our side?

To sum up Louie's sermon of the night, GOD IS ON OUR SIDE! And he wants us to be in his movie! as proud an extra is in a small movie, so we should be to be part of that movie names God, directed by God, produced by God, hair and makeup God! I just want to make His name known!

I felt the spirit so strong throughout louie's message. There is therefore no condemnation in Christ! I'm free! WATCH OUT WORLD! I'm in the movie God the scene from 1990-___.

15th May: Saturday I wanna be like Jesus

Francis Chan spoke about v.29.
"For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son that he might be the first-born among many brothers"

how funny that we all want to follow jesus, and know the same power that resurrected him. but when it comes to the 'share the fellowship in the suffering" we kinda go: erm can we skip this. Jesus was rejected, jesus suffered. God wants us to be "conformed to the likeness" of Jesus and be like him. That means we will face the rejection, trials, tribulations. At the thought of that will we still want to be in God's presence, and want to love Him the same way? Will we still want to be followers of Jesus, and be like Him? If we choose that, We will experience an amazing fellowship with Jesus, like Stephen before he was stoned, looked to heaven and saw Jesus at the right hand of God.

Francis gave a testimony of the Korean Missionaries who were captured by the Taliban. When they were surrounded, they were standing in a circle with all their belongings gone. A woman however, still had her bible with her. She ripped it into 23 pieces and passed it along to everyperson, saying when they're alone, read the word of God and they'll have encouragement. Then One by One, everyone said "In Life or Death, I'm yours". The pastor then said that with the agreement of the leader of the Taliban, the first person to die will be him. What courage in God they had.
This was the impt part, after being back in Korea for a couple months, most of the survivors said that they longed to be back in that pit because it was then that they had such a close relationship with christ. I don't think Francis is saying that all of us should look forward to being persecuted, all of us will face death. I believe his point was that, in facing trials, we are pushed into the Love of God, we become so close to Jesus because we know he's our only rock!

after the sermon, he led us to pray. the spirit really spoke to me then. I questioned my actions for the past year, and if I have been following Christ! How different will the world be if Christians were really Christ-liked! And I haven't been reflecting Christ in my actions. I want to be like Jesus. I honestly stated my fears to the Lord, the fears of rejection, of pain, of uncertainty. And I just felt so, I don't know. I can't describe.

My god is AMAZING. I don't care if people think I'm a fruitcake, nutty for Jesus. I wanna be like Him. Help me God.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Just came back from Students' at HTB.

Was great. Jamie spoke about the body of Christ and being together as one family. The importance of We in He. I thought I was a really good example of this idea. The danger of going Solo. I thought I could you know, survive without a spiritual family here. But it really just is so much more different when you have a family to fall back on. Slowly finding my way into the students circle. So far so good. The people are just so warm. i rike. :P

At the end, i just asked the whole group to hold hands and to pray for the students and the church. Felt like I was back in FCBC, everyone praying out loud and stuff and the music in the background really loud. PTL!

"Spirit break out, break our walls down"

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Passion

Quick Blog post before i shower and head down to watch Avatar.

Today Pete spoke amazingly about prayer and intercession. At the beginning I didn't really feel it was applicable to me but slowly, as he got to the 3 main points, I felt the spirit stirring inside of me. Passion, Promises and Perseverance. The part that really stood out was Passion.

For the past few weeks as I was thinking about it, I felt really apprehensive about being a main counsellor in the camp. Having direct contact with the children. I was really reluctant to say yes. I rather work in logistics. And i wondered why. Did I not love my ministry anymore? Then today, God brought back that passion. "break my heart for what break yours" In 2008, during the Survival Camp, I remembered being so broken on the 2nd night because I felt God's heart for the children. I was reminded of that tonight and felt renewed in my fire and Love for the children in the community.

It is great. God gave me the dream of having a ministry with children in future. To lead children to reach out to children. Whether as full-time, or just part of my service to him.

God is good. All the time . :D

Friday, May 7, 2010

Nose Tell Gel

Nostalgia.

It's an incredible thing isn't it. How one grows and matures, only to look back and feel this incredible feeling of Nostalgia. I think as you age, you'll start experiencing this at shorter intervals. Just thinking about the time when I just arrived in London, the feeling of apprehension with regards to things like "will i find good friends" "will i fit in?".

I couldn't thank God more for the friends here in International Hall. If I had any regrets it would be not hanging out with people on my course more. but that's for another time.

It has been a great year, awesome people incredible events! :D

Reminiscing KCPSS times with eiji over skype. the Only Singaporean CRAZY enough to not be sleeping in the wee hours of the morning. Good times. :D

Thank You God for everything, You're indescribable, you put the stars in the sky and you know them by name. You amazing God!

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Lord Your ways are higher than me.
Teach me Father to walk in this grace
this Grace everlasting, Unbelievable.
The human mind seeks to rationalise
the greatness of this God who created the heavens
but fails. Fails miserably. The Supernatural
ways of you O Lord is higher.
Higher than the intelligence of man.
The inadequacies of us throws me into
Confusion. Yet I hear a voice
calling from Heaven, so deep from my heart.
Intimate, as if from within.
"Walk with me"

Friday, April 16, 2010

Colossians 1:16-17
"For by him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things were created by him and for him. He is before all things, and in him all things hold together.

My God is Great.
No words can begin to explain how great He is.
Looking at the size of the known universe He created, I can't begin to think how big he is.

After hearing Louis Giglio speak about the awesomeness of the universe and the galaxies in the heavens, and then scaling it down to the wonders of the human life, I realised that the same power that created the stars and the galaxies created me.

who am I that He should love me, give me such grace?
The mystery and wonder of the human life are enough to prove to me that this God set out to love me. Why else would He use such amazing miracles to create me?

You placed the stars in the sky and You know them by name
You put me here on earth and You know me by name

"As high as the heavens from the Earth, so great is the measure of our Father's love for those who fear Him"
Imagine the size of heaven if we are already unable to travel size of the universe.

Words fall through me.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

LOOK MA(and pa)
I HAVE EYE BAGS.

this is what happens when you decide to change your sleep cycle for good and have been waking up at 7.30am every morning after months of sleeping around 2-3am and waking up around 10.
so kids, always remember that unless you want ugly bags below your eyes, sleep early.

However, I do have to say that I have been able to wake up rather easily. i mean, ignoring the fact that i snooze my alarm about 4 times every morning, it is considerably easy. I mean, after all it is usually 7.30am when I wake up. Vast improvement compared to the past year.
Now where have I disappeared to, i have been studying hard the past few days.
okay maybe not hard, but i have been studying for the past few days. at least attempting to.

okay maybe not. here's the true story.
waking up early going to the library: True.
Writing my essay: True.
efficient and competent: Not True.

40% Essay, 30% reading, 30% chatting online.

I do have to say I'm thankful that I'm not in NTU Mass Comms. The twins and Amelia are really working really hard. projects and assignments due this week, exams next week. they basically have no time for themselves(other than the occasional tweets) Gosh I miss them.

my cell leader exploited me last night. Asked me to compose a song for her for her Music Science module. If you get more than a C you owe me 5 cups of KOI milk tea without sugar. I demand so. I miss cell. many new people and I'm not there to give them a loud welcome.

Been spending alot of time with Inger's guitar. It sounds awesome plucked. So i'm learning a new song, Thank You by the Katinas. It's hard. well, at least the hardest I've tried so far. I think my fingers have to be an inch longer. But i'm going to finish it. I insist. But it took me 45 mins to learn the first 4 bars.

My thermal flask is amazing. totally worth the $20 we spent on it. my pei pa gao remains steaming hot even after 7 hours. (:

Time is flying by quick. In less than 2 months I'll be back home. Okay i know i always say this but I really still can't believe I'm here in London. Never in my wildest dreams, sitting in the classroom in Jblock of CJC. sleeping at the back of lessons esp. during lit and maths, would i ever have been able to conjure up the idea of studying in London. It was always, NUS/SMU, or Australia(UNSW or Sydney or Melbourne) but i never really harboured the notion of being far away from home. I mean australia, I'll be home in like, 5 hours max? and it doesnt cost £657 to fly back. ah it's so strange. But i'm thankful all the same. Thank you thank you Jesus.

I hung out with church people on sunday. It was a really great feeling, saying grace before dinner, eating and laughing, taking weird photos. They are a great bunch and I'm hoping to really get close to them. (: Met a guy who plays the trumpet for the queen on a horse in the army, and sings really well.

in any case, I should get back to read Hobbes and his philosophy on self consciousness through memory of the past, and in a bigger picture, back to my essay. my "friends" buddy is back in Paris so that is on hold.

Here I am with all I have I raise my hands to worship you              I wanna say thank you Oooh Thank you                            For everything for who you are                                  You cover me and touch my heart I wanna say thank you

Tuesday, April 13, 2010


"I know what I'm doing.

I have it all planned out - plans to take care of you, Delphne, not abandon you,

plans to give you the future you hope for.

When you call on Me, when you come and pray to Me, I'll listen.

When you come looking for Me, you'll find Me.

Yes, when you get serious about finding Me and want it more than anything else, I'll make sure you won't be disappointed."

-Jeremiah 29:11-13(MSG)

Saturday, March 20, 2010

I'm incredibly jealous of friends back home at the G12 conference. I wanna be there. heard great things happening in church and in Singapore!
GAH so terribly homesick today. Got treated like I was invisible, lunch was crap. I wanna go home. for today. I know I only have 3 years here and I should treasure it cause I'm gonna be missing it when I'm back in Singapore. For now, I want friends back home who won't treat me coldly, Mommy to cook awesome chinese food(even if there's is no rice), Dad to discuss random things, brothers to disturb. Chill out at Starbucks, Hang out at Timbre, Play in the band again.
Stayover at the twins', TYA, suppers ice cream dance lessons at Amore. Sukiyaki and Ebi Sushi at Sushi Tei.
Not 3 dudes next to me discussing about absolutely benign crap and forcing me to listen to their conversation even though my Lord of the Rings soundtrack is playing loudly in my ears.
nor having to read Sir John Mandeville which has to be the most boring text on the Medieval Course.

we're all entitled to rant once in a while aren't we?






Things won't be the same will it?
after all that's happen?
guess I'll just have to stop thinking about the past and accept what I've done
I'm sorry I screwed up.


Sunday, March 14, 2010

"You alone can rescue
You alone can save
you alone can lift us from the grave
You came to find us
let us out of death
You alone deserve the highest praise"

It has been a while.
I forgot what it was like to be part of a christian community.
Today that changed.
I finally came to terms with the fact that I need a family here in London

it has been hard.
struggling with God.
thinking that I can lead a life without a christian community.
I've been attending church, just not actively involved, and being accountable to anyone.
somewhere along the line I felt my heart hardening, but I insisted I could live without a community.
Finally, after being so caught up with the pace of life, and the social aspect of it, the spirit reminded me that I need a family. I need support.

Today I finally gave in God at the altar. I felt the Holy spirit again. And on my way to a tender heart. Again.

I feel horrible, like what Paul said in Hebrew, Why do I keep returning back to things that I already know I shouldn't be falling back into? When I should be mature enough to teach, to educate to guide my fellow christians. I guess its all about the fear of the Lord. I need to constantly remind myself that I need to do my part of the relationship too. Why do I seek earthly relationships and expect so much out of it when I don't even do the same with God?
Why don't I be proactive? I need that again.

Today I'm reminded, and I'm starting anew. He is the only one who can save me. not Man. Not myself. I will never win in that struggle. I praise God for someone in church who actually reached out to me today. Now I know what it feels like to be new in a church community. Life's not gonna be the same. (:

"A heart that follows hard after You"

Friday, March 12, 2010

I'm learning to crawl

Life's been fair lately.

sitting in starbucks along Kingsway, waiting aimlessly for seminar to begin.
chatting away with Grammar Nazi, Dad and Eiji.
good entertainment I must say,
Finding out about the latest news in the country and the family. (:
planning my come-home dinner when I touch down.

so far we have:
1. HOKKIEN MEE(never though I'd miss it this much. and I think its my favourite food)
2. Fish soup noodle
3. rojak (smelly goodness)
4. CHILLI CRAB
5. durian for dessert.

my presentation for shelley was done haphazardly.
Hope it'll be enough though. (:
looking forward to Phantom of the Opera ALOT.

Thank you God for the wonderful day!

I'm learning to breathe
I'm learning to crawl
I'm finding that you and you alone can break my fall
I'm living again,
Awake and alive
I'm trying to breathe in these abundant skies.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Loads of events coming up!

poker night on friday with the singaporeans(don't know how to play so i'll stick to monopoly or something) will probably end up screaming and shouting into the night/morning!
King's singaporeans outing to Regents' on saturday
Imperial Sing soc musical saturday night
Sunday pastorate then service

Tuesday Sabina'a birthday and Phantom of the Opera(WOOO! CAN'T WAIT! REALLY WANT TO WATCH THIS!!!!)
Wednesday St. Patrick's day.
Thursday IH Boat Party.

what exciting days ahead of me.
(: Thanks Mom and Dad. I'm really quite okay! school work's manageable. I'm just KIASU!(spirit of the singaporean)




He makes me rest in fields of green
by quiet streams.
Even though I walk through the valley
of death and dying.
I will not fear cause You are with me
You are with me.
Shepherd's staff, comforts me
You are my feast, in the presence of enemies.
Surely goodness, follow me
follow me.

In the House of God forever

Monday, March 8, 2010

I think I'm making things worse than they already are.

Why can't God just make all of us speak ONE language, adhere to ONE set of values so that I don't have to wreck my brains over what the response is going to be.


Saturday, March 6, 2010

I look out the window
The birds are composing
Not a note is out of tune
Or out of place
I look at the meadow
And stare at the flowers
Better dressed than any girl
On her wedding day

So why do I worry?
Why do I freak out?
God knows what I need
You know what I need

Its already the weekend. Another week has passed and I have no clue how I'm gonna sit for the exams in May. I can't help but worry. Its a nagging thought inside of me. As with other things.
but Your Love is Strong.

I was just thinking about Life and Death yesterday. with the Herbert and Donne poems that created a rather sublime emotion in me. The feeling that us as man cannot effect any change. That there is no proper resolution to issues of life, or faith. Well, Faith can't be explained. Logic seems to be at eternal struggle with it. Anyway, about life and death, I mentioned. I can hardly grapple with life much less deal with death.

but what exactly is life without the knowledge of death? and vice versa. Its only through death that we start to see the significance and the value of life. Though both might seem to be unable to coexist at the same time.

I don't know. My thoughts are all over this morning. Well, at least its still morning for me. It seems life was much simpler in the middle ages. Yet, what would I make of simplicity if I never knew what it was to live in today? Life's defines itself in relation to other things. Like Saussure and his idea of linguistic value. To be honest,

its too early to ponder about life. mundane things like hunger calls.

Friday, March 5, 2010

I think I gave up.

I have better things to spend my emotions on.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Oh, to vex me, contraries meet in one:
Inconstancy unnaturally hath begot
A constant habit; that when I would not
I change in vows, and in devotion.
As humorous is my contrition
As my profane love, and as soon forgot:
As riddling distempered, cold and hot,
As praying, as mute; as Infinite, as none.
I durst not view heaven yesterday; and today
In prayers and flattering speeches I court God;
Tomorrow I quake with true fear of his rod.
So my devout fits come and go away
Like a Fantastic ague; save that here
Those are my best days, when I shake with feare.

- John Donne Holy Sonnet 19

Reading this in lecture today, I felt the spirit speak to me. I guess studying literature in the Renaissance really is feeding my spirit with wisdom from my predecessors in the Christian faith. Troubled by a time of confusing ideologies with respect to the Christian faith, Donne firmly believed in the idea that man is saved by faith(contrary to the idea of Calvinism) and has the free will to decide if he wants to be saved.

In this poem, I just suddenly felt reminded of the inconsistency of man. and how HUMAN our love is that cannot be compared to the insurmountable love of Christ. We humans are so fickle. Never consistent in our love, in our time spent with this Father. Yet He continues to bless us and watch over us. I wonder if he looks down on us and laughs lovingly at the simple words we say to praise Him because I believe they don't come close ever to describing this great God.

"Those are my best days, when I shake with feare"

Fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom.

Today is a beautiful day. Sun's shining, slightly higher temperatures, great conversations. Yet the gloom of the 30 poems sitting in front of me is enough to shroud any spring day. the fact that I have yet to start on any of them makes it worse. and James Joyce's Portrait is sitting in my bag, yearning to be taken out to be read. I shut my ears to its desperate cries.

On the way I was thinking. After speaking to Elfi, I do feel something lifted off my shoulders. I know I have to think about the time you bothered to spend time with me and stuff. But I just can't understand why replying me has become something you ignore. I never speak to you about anything important anymore. And vice versa. It just pains me to always have people I'm really close to but after drift apart because one party just drifts away. I know my value is in God not in man. I came to terms with that. I know I did.

I just miss you.